Cornholio

EnergySolutions to seek approval for disposing polonium

2006-12-04T15:26:00.000-08:00

The Great Cornholio has learned that EnergySolutions intends to seek state approval to store polonium 210 at its site in Tooele County.

"We have received several inquiries from Britain and Russia about our interest in disposing polonium 210", a source within the hazardous waste company acknowledged under conditions of anonymity.

Within the tight-knit community of nuclear physicists, polonium 210 has a reputation of being "some seriously nasty shit". "You definitely don't want to inhale or injest this stuff", one expert recently told CNN.

The anonymous source at EnergySolutions says disposing polonium 210 won't be difficult. "The British plan on sending the stuff in caskets. All we have to do is bury it."

Libertarian Party: 35 Years Later

2006-11-12T08:05:00.000-08:00

This year, the Libertarian Party celebrates its 35th consecutive year of being "America's Fastest Growing Third Party". The party supports lower taxes, smaller government and personal freedom.

A local Libertarian spokesman says the party has been able to successfully grow at a rapid rate for thirty-five years while still remaining so small that most people have never heard of it. However, this apparent contradiction has its detractors.

"How can they be the fastest growing party for the past 35 years and still not be very big?", asked Jeff Hartley, executive director of the Utah Republican Party.

Todd Taylor, executive director of the Utah Democrat Party, echoes similar sentiments. "Pollsters talk about soccer moms, the Bubba vote, the gun nuts, and a bunch of other groups, but pollsters don't talk about the Libertarian vote unless they are trying to make a joke."

Local Libertarians say the apparent contradiction is not a contradiction at all. "Let's say we started with one member in 1971, if we grew at 50% every year, which is a phenomenal growth rate, we would have about 1.5 million members today."

"Yeah, about about 100 million members six years from now", counters Hartley.

Currently, Libertarians hold no elected offices in Utah, but Libertarians can claim at least one high ranking city official amongst its ranks. Morris "Mofo" Fouts is Spanish Fork's assistant deputy director of watering plants on main street. "That's just a start, a building block" say local libertarians. "One of these days, we're gonna kick some ass."

Enhanced Penalties for Poachers

2006-09-01T16:52:00.000-07:00

Local pro-life groups will be lobbying the Legislature to enact enhanced penalties for poachers who kill pregnant prey.

"Life begins at conception for animals as well as humans", a pro-life spokeswoman noted. "Poaching is wrong, but when a pregnant animal is killed, two animals are being killed" said another activist.

Some reproductive rights activists expressed concerns that the bill is really part of a broader attempt to deny abortion rights to wildlife.

Planned Deerhood had no comment on the proposal.

Five Reasons Utah Needs A Lesbian Governor

2006-08-24T12:35:00.000-07:00

1. This will lead to increased tourism by out of state lesbians (or would that just be "out" lesbians?).

2. People will forget about polygamy.

3. The WNBA will come back to Utah.

4. People won't think Utah is "weird".

5. It will give Ruzicka, Mero, and Buttars something else to complain about.

Are you threatening me?

2006-08-24T07:58:00.000-07:00

I AM THE GREAT CORNHOLIO!